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Miller Family Law Group - Southern California Divorce and Family Law Lawyers
DURING THE DIVORCE
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” – John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Ways to Alleviate Stress During Divorce
- Establish a daily routine. When life feels out of control, it helps to know that your day has a regular structure. Planning how you will spend your time will definitely help you function more effectively.
- Get physically active. Exercising even lightly for twenty minutes each day reduces the stress that comes with any major life change.
- Spend some time by yourself each day. You are going to be called upon to make major decisions with long-standing effects on both yourself and everyone you care about. More than ever before in your life, you need time to reflect without distractions.
- Get outdoors and into nature.
- Focus your attention on a repetitive activity. Almost any repetitive physical activity will calm you, not only as you do it but for some time afterward as well.
- Use deep breathing to relax. You can use your breath to regain mental and physical composure.
Top 10 Ways To Keep Your Children Out Of The Middle Of Divorce
- Do not criticize your former spouse in front of the child.
- Do not argue with your former spouse in your children’s presence especially during exchanges of the child.
- Don't discuss adult issues such as finances or the details of divorce case in your child’s presence.
- You should never use your children to deliver messages, money, or anything else to your former spouse.
- Don't use your children to spy on the other parent, or to tell you the details of what the other parent is doing, such as whom they are dating.
- Don’t withhold visitation to punish your former spouse.
- Do not tell the children that they can choose where they want to live.
- Assure the children that you and your former spouse still love them and that the separation between you and your spouse is not their fault.
- Assure your children that they will continue to see both parents on a regular basis, and will be well taken care of by both parents.
- Be on time and punctual regarding all visitation and exchanges.
Do’s and Don’ts of Communication During the Divorce Process
DO's
1. Take turns speaking, and allow equal time
2. Look for compromises
3. Try not to generalize
4. Allow for time-outs and breathers.
5. Observe rules that you set
6. No hitting, threats, or force
7. Show personal respect
8. Be honest with yourself as well as with your Partner.
9. Give clear reasons.
10. Admit when you’re wrong
11. For clarity, repeat partner’s words |
DON’T’s
1. Name-call, interrupt, & finish sentences.
2. Open up old wounds.
3. Get off on tangets.
4. Intimidate or threaten.
5. Change rules abruptly.
6. Expect a winner/loser.
7. Save gripes to dump.
8. Try to read partner’s mind.
9. Deny the facts.
10. Gloat over victory.
11. Use sex for leverage.
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EMOTIONS DURING THE DIVIRCING PROCESS
“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” – Anatole France
- Relief. Some people feel relieved to have the legal process finally under way.
- Fear. Feelings will shift and change as the divorce becomes finalized and things begin to settle into a new routine. At times, because you’re human, you may feel fear and panic, but these moments will become fewer as you move into a post-divorce stage that promises more optimistic feelings.
- Confusion. Divorce is a tremendous change, and for most of us, it is a great loss. At times, you may feel dazed or scattered and not as focused as usual. Be sure to ask for clarification from the person assisting you.
- Powerlessness. Rather than continuing to believe that your spouse is a monster and your are an angel, see that each of you is partly responsible for the dissolution of your marriage. No one is bad or good, completely right or wrong. Giving up the role of victim will give you the energy to move through your divorce with honesty and into your future with confidence.
- Anger. Anger is what is called a secondary emotion, the surface expression of other feelings beneath. Often, anger masks the feelings of fear and hurt. It also can be used as a protective devise or a defense mechanism to keep other feelings from surfacing.
- Sadness. With the taking of legal action can come the reality that the marriage is truly over, and with this awareness comes deeper sadness.
CHILDREN AND DIVORCE
- Give your children affection and reassurance. Show them and tell them you love them.
- Tell them the general truth, in language they’ll understand.
- Keep your promises. If you can’t do it, say so right away.
- Each week, spend quality time alone with each child.
- Let children help to make decisions that affect them, and let them help in other ways, too. This will make them feel good about themselves.
- Be patient with the healing process your children are going through. Their process, and the time it takes, is their own.
- Be availbel to answer your child’s questions about the divorce and related issues. Be willing to set aside enough time for this.
- Take time for fun. Lighten up, and spend a day together doing what you love. If you have rarely done this, now is the perfect time.
- Take care of yourself by scheduling a day off alone or with friends in order to recharge your batteries. You will be a better parent when you get home.
- Be assured that through all the stages, things will continue to improve. Even if your children don’t say it now, they will eventually appreciate all you’ve done.
TOP 10 LEGAL MISTAKES
By Loriann Hoff Oberlin “Surviving Separation and Divorce”
- Believing your spouse will be fair and cooperative. Expect the worst, but allow yourself to be surprised.
- Having totally unrealistic expectations or demands regarding your case.
- Not asking appropriate questions, or signing documents without understanding them.
- Withholding information from your attorney and/or your spouse. You should not be a passive participant in this process.
- Not double-checking facts and figures the other side gives you.
- Allowing emotions rather logical thinking to rule your legal decisions. Knee-jerk responses are usually inappropriate. Give yourself time to calm down and think first.
- Expecting the legal system to see things from your perspective.
- Allowing too much time to pass before enforcing a court order or agreed-upon support.
- Forgetting the tax ramifications of legal decisions.
- Being a hindrance – not help – to your case. For instance, setting unrealistic goals or making unrealistic conditions during the settlement process.
If you have any further questions or need additional information about our Family Law services, please do not hesitate to EMAIL US or call (562) 453-6469.
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